I remember writing my holiday post last year and being so full of hope. Fully convinced that Lance was beating his diagnosis and having no insight that a year from now, I would be sending holiday wishes minus one very important being in our lives.

December 8th was 6 months since Lance passed. 6 months! It was a milestone that hurt to my core, made my heartache and made me cry for the majority of the day. However, as with all anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays I’ve experienced so far, I came out the other side still thankful for all that I still have.

One thing I have realized throughout these past 6 months is I have never lost that hope. I am still full of hope for my future, my kids future, and for our lives. And I am grateful. I may not be grateful for Lance dying but I am grateful for how he died. I am grateful that he didn’t suffer and I am grateful for the support I have had throughout and since his death. For the way my kids and I can talk about Lance on a daily basis with a laugh, a smile, a tear.

Lance resides not in physical form but in our hearts. That is something I focus on during my hard days and it reassures me in a way that nothing else can. After a solid 6 months of walking around in shock that Lance was gone, every morning, thinking “Really Lance? Did you have to go? Are you really gone?” I have turned a corner of accepting that this is true and that my kids and my life continues. He is with us always…sometimes in actually forms (a hawk) and ALWAYS in our hearts. This has been my greatest lesson of 2012.

I can say without a single doubt, I am ready to say goodbye to this past year. I have felt this need to get this year behind me but a part of me is exploding with things I want to share. I’m ready for what the future holds, to be grateful for every day, to continue to share my story, my lessons, to grow and be open to whatever is in store for me.

Even through all this, I’ve never lost the feeling that there is still magic to life. This isn’t what I would have wished for myself or my children but this is our lives nonetheless. I was reading a book called Dream New Dreams recently. The author who also lost her husband at a young age said she learned “not to look at today through the lens of yesterday, which made the promise of tomorrow all the more magical.” Amen.

photo copy

I was hiking with two close friends last weekend and I took this picture. I felt like I was that mountain peaking out from the mist. Getting my head out of the clouds so to speak. I hope it continues to emerge.

So with a renewed sense of hope for what the future holds and gratitude for all the love I have in my life, I wish you a loving, tender, peaceful new year.



25 thoughts on “Peace-Love-Meditation

  1. Nancy, I hope the same for you, Zach, and Amelie. Of course we all wish Lance was still physically with us to share in all that’s to come, but his beautiful spirit will continue to shine through all of you! xox

  2. Nancy, the three of you are “Lance’s Magic”, a family he helped create and an amazing legacy! May your holidays have many bright moments.

  3. Nancy, you are that mountain peaking out from the mist… a mountain in all its strength, abundance and vitality… yet cradled by softness. Love to you, dear one.

  4. Your thoughts are so beautiful and meaningful. I wish for Amelie and Zachary and you too, Nancy all those things you write about and are important life lessons. I so wish that Lance could be closeby physically, but I know his spirit is everywhere. I am wishing only the best for you and the children and I know how much you have given them in this very difficult time. Your Mom is looking forward to being in Colorado with you. Your Dad will be so happy to see. I am so sorry I will not be around but please know we are thinking of you with hugs and kisses, B and LHK

  5. Nancygirl… you’re indeed majestic as a mountain! I am so very grateful for this post and all your posts this year… and more grateful to hear and know that you still hold in your heart as sense that life is magic.

    I heard/watched this TedTalk yesterday and I thought of you and Lance and all of us who attempt to be here now:

    Happiest Holidays and may 2012 be filled with a continued sense of wonder and tons of laughter for you my sweet loving sister and Zack & Amelie. xox Christine

  6. as always, nancy, your strength and courage are inspiring and touching. 2012 will be a year of silver linings hung along heavy clouds. thank you for sharing your feelings and experiences this way. you are beautiful, inside and out. and thank you, Lance for your presence. it is so strong and healing. and I miss you.

  7. Nancy, You are not only a stunning person but a stunning writer..
    I have to fight hard to hold back my tears when I read your post because I am at WORK!… I re- read your post when I get home and they read as if for the first time..
    Thank you dear friend for sharing so much of your heart with all of your friends.. Thank you for your strength , beauty, Joy and sorrow ..
    my your 2013 be blessed with buckets full of laughter and goofy fun times…may your tears and the tears of your kids be only from happiness and not sorrow you…xoxo
    Susan December 2012

  8. Dear Nance – you have walked 2012 with grace and an open heart – the first half of the year as well as the second. Lance’s passing divides the year so poignantly…I remember last year’s post, and I am saddened that all things didn’t wonderfully transpire for Lance to be here in body. But I am also heartened to hear that you still believe in magic and how much you know that Lance lives on in our hearts. He is here with me today and every day and I am touched to the core by the gifts I continue to receive from knowing him and you and your beautiful children. Keep sharing all that lives inside of you, it is a service to us all. Love you Gentrys always…Roxanna

  9. Thank you Nancy for sharing your experience, strength and Hope, we wish you guys all the peace, love and health for the new year, love, The Simon clan

  10. I loved seeing that mountain peak with you!!!!! As you know, the journey has been so incredibly impactful for so many of us who shared it with you–who you open heart & home to. I thank you & Lance and Zach and Amelie for being open and teaching me and my family what love, friendship and “being there” is all about! I love you more than words can say.

  11. What I found so interesting about the picture you took is that the rock formation on the right looks like an old, wise man watching the mountain in the distance!
    Wishing you love and peace this holiday season and a 2013 full of whatever kinds of magic you choose. Hope to see you at yoga or on the trails…. be well- millicent

  12. Wow, Nance. You continue to blow me away with your beautiful words that strike to the core of the only real truth. You’re such an inspiration. I truly feel its an honor just to know you! Have you thought about writing a book? Maybe a compelation of your journals and blogs? You have so much insight which really gives deep perspective, especially when things are tough and we’re struggling in our own ways. Your words speak to not only loss but all pain and suffering. It’s really a breath of fresh air and more importantly….hope. You really should consider it!!!! Think about how cathartic it would be and such a gift to your beautiful kids as well.. I have to say that I LOVE your photo and the metaphor it invokes…..lives turned upside down revealing the underbelly and magnitude of what’s present in our lives but hidden beneath us all every day…blessed with the grace and beauty of life continuing.

    You Rock!

  13. I think that as you peek your head out of the clouds this year the sun will shine on you and the kids :). Here’s to a few rays of sun! XOXO Missie

  14. What a beautiful post. Sending you all a lot of love this holiday season. I am sure the hawk is flying high smiling down on all of you 😉 xo

  15. That picture is incredible! I too see the wise man, and it appears that he is inhaling or exhaling….wow, a great writer and a great photographer!

    Nance, may you continue on your magical journey, with all the hope, wisdom, and graciousness that so beautifully define you.

    Much love to you and your beautiful kids. Andy

  16. Our best wishes back to you all for a happy and healthy year ahead. Thanks so much for sharing your journey with all of us… it has really affected our lives in a profound way.

    Becca, Sam, Noah and Ayla

  17. Nancy- thank you, as always, for sharing. It is so clear that Lance is with you and Zach and Amelie- deep in your hearts and all around you everyday. It is more beautiful than anything one can see.

  18. Nance,
    Your strength is amazing and your words are inspiring.

    I think about Lance often-he is so present in my heart too. And your journey continues to guide me in my day to day.

    I wish you, Zach and Amelie a New Year filled with light and love.



Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *