I’m back…

Sunset jumpAfter 2 1/2 years of falling off the radar, I’m starting up my dusty ole blog again. I know I don’t need to give any explanations of why I fell off the radar but at the same time I’ve questioned how long I can live in the “I lost my husband” fog? Not to others, but to myself. For 2 1/2 years I’ve been questioning what is my life’s purpose. Many of my friends would look at me compassionately, “You just went through something so heavy. Don’t worry so much. It will come.”  It would make me feel better for a day but then the very next day I’d be back to wondering what in the world I was doing with my life. As if raising two children isn’t enough…and why isn’t it?

It took me awhile to realize why this was such a prevalent theme for me. I had my whole life figured out and Lance was part of it all. So after the initial shock phase of losing Lance wore off and the second year reared it’s ugly head, I was COMPLETELY lost. I realized all the dreams I had, were wrapped up with Lance…every detail of my life had been planned out, all the way up to getting old and grey (yes I was a planner) and Lance was a part of every decade. Thus began the painful process of letting go. Ugh! Even as I write this my eyes are filled with tears. Letting go is a long and ongoing process…

For anyone who read my blog while Lance was sick knows that writing was my outlet. My catharsis. While this might not be my life’s purpose…it is an outlet for me. I like sharing whatever wisdom I can impart. I am not a nutrition expert, or a health expert, or death expert or a grief expert, or an expert on life or any kind of expert for that matter, I just have my experiences. I speak and write from those and from my heart. Anyone who knows me, knows I am an open book. So I am going to share…whatever inspires me at that particular moment.

And maybe, just maybe, I will find my life’s purpose along the way.

xo
Nancy

52 thoughts on “I’m back…

  1. Nancy

    I’m always so inspired by your ability to talk about how you feel. Thank you for sharing your words.

    xo
    Jen

  2. Welcome back, Nancy… I think about you often… we are all teachers and students in this game called life… thank you for sharing so openly with everyone. I look forward to your pearls of wisdom and hope you find your calling along the way. xx alicia

  3. i was thrilled to see this post. and though it has a very tender theme, i know you are meant to write. your words about lance have meant so much to me over the past couple of years. i have let so many people know about your blog because i love the way you honored lance’s wishes around death and the ceremony that comes with the passing of a loved one. keep on keeping on… xoxo kate

    (saw a picture of lance the night he came out to have dinner with me and simon van booy…made me smile.)

    • Thank you Kate! I so appreciate your support and spreading the word…if I can help people from my experiences (especially death which i would love for this country to handle differently) then I feel like I am making a difference in my own little way.

  4. It makes me smile reading your thoughts again. You are a special lady Nance with lots to offer. Live everyday and try not to think about the future too much. It’s a much more satisfying way to live. You will find several smiles on your face if you are about the moment.
    Hope to see you soon!!!
    Big Hugs!
    Devon

    Xox

    • Being present and in the moment is my ultimate goal and I am much better at it than I used to be. Lots of love to you Devon (& to Mike too).

  5. Hi Nancy, You and I don’t know one another but I knew and loved Lance and followed this blog during the journey of your inspiring engagement with his illness. It made my heart so happy to read your blog today and see you stretch out into this broader community. Blessing galore for your heartful courage. I look forward to reading more: )

  6. Was very happy to see your return in my inbox! Glad you are writing and sharing and expressing yourself in any and every way possible. Lance would be so proud. Sending you lots of love. xxx A

  7. Welcome back Nance! I’m so glad to hear you’re writing again. As others have said, you do it beautifully, and with so my heart, wisdom and humor. We all need someone like you in our lives to help us on our collective paths (and to be that for each other). I hope I get to see you one of these days (when are you coming back this way?) Lotsa love

    • Thanks Reverend. I still want to be considered one of your success. Will be in CA this summer for sure. Hopefully we can do better than the last 2 summers and actually see each other.

  8. You’re back. Yes, indeed you are and I am always so grateful for the gift of your words, Nancy. It seems so effortless for you, expressing the deepest truths that are universal precisely because of their depth.

    • Thank you Mark. So nice to hear from you. I have a special soft spot for you knowing the parallels we share and how supportive you were to me during a very difficult time. Thank you for the encouragement. How are you?

  9. Welcome back (open arms here.) Your words are a gracious reminder of the beauty in planning a future with another soul. I can’t imagine life, or much less living, without my significant other. You’ve lived this unimaginable tragedy of loss and arrived at the other side… with all of your dear pals standing beside you….slowly releasing their breath as you blossom from your protective cocoon, once again. I will embrace a piece of life that is ‘me’. xo

    • Awww…so sweet Julia. And so important to not take our loved ones for granted. Thank you for your kind words…they were poetic actually.

  10. It is really great to hear from you, Nancy! I too think of you often and remember the time you and I shared around birth, you were kind of an expert at that for me. As I’ve told you before, your advice helped me deliver Jessica in a natural, relatively peaceful way. So I look forward to hearing more of your thoughts and yes, some of it will be wise, but all of it will be relevant! Sending big hugs to you!

  11. keep writing..keep writing…and then keep writing..no doubt you will keep waking up, keep finding yourself…and then losing yourself again..just because that’s how it goes sometimes…and then that whole purpose thing will smack you in the face like it’s always been there because it has… we’re just blind to it while we get to have all those other fucking hard lessons…..and i’m right there with you sister…on the same first world, privileged heart-wrenching spiritual journey….i love you…reach out anytime…we will meet in the tipi someday soon

  12. NANCY!!

    Welcome back – my heart warms when I see your emails/blog and I think about the years I’ve known you.

    Big Hugs.
    Peace

  13. Dear Nance/Gert,
    So happy you’re back and writing. Am so looking forward to your wit, wisdom and recipes! Big love from chilly London.
    Jenxxx

    • Gert! I look at your pictures and inspirational women every day!!! What a following you have! Are you going to make a book? I’ve been dying to talk to you about that.

      • Gert! No plans to make a book as yet, but the instagram is fun! I like the thought of a young girl in a far-flung place coming across it. So glad you enjoy it.
        Much love from freeeeezing London!
        xxx

  14. I am so delighted to “have you back”. I have held you and your family in my heart and prayers. I have wondered how you are doing, and how life is for all of you. I love your writing and insights. About purpose, I believe our true purpose is to be ourselves 100% and then all the rest follows. That is how my life rolls.
    Love to you , Merry

    • Thank you Merry. So nice to hear from you. In fact, I think I should come see you…it’s always healing. And I am trying to get back to being myself! Just didn’t know who that was these past couple of years.

  15. Nancy, I remember as a mother you always had so many questions… questions like… when is it best to put the kids down for a nap? to sleep in the car or not? how many is too many carrots for them? school choice? … fogetaboutit. So the other day when I asked you “what is the next new Nancy regime” and you said that all does not matter, I felt initially off-balance. What? Not a plan? Not a regime to live by? But as we were driving home, I felt remarkably light… light that I didn’t have something to google when I got back home… light, that I might be feeding my family the right food… light that I can hold off on that athletic club membership…. light that I can relish in a gilt-free nap in the middle of the day. Thank you for making me feel lighter, dear friend.

    • Hee hee. I’ve always thought of you as a light person…always positive and upbeat and never sweating the small stuff. I guess there’s nothing like death to put EVERYTHING into perspective…even how many carrots one should eat. 🙂

  16. Nancy, I just want to send you love and blessings! You are so articulate about where you are. And that is so inspiring. Thank you for your openness and open hearted sharing. Please let me know if there is anything I can offer to you! xxooo Patty

  17. Nan, I read your blog. Thanks so much for letting me know you put something up there. I really appreciate what you have to say. What a journey you are on. I have thought and sought similar things for myself going through things (and still am), but certainly not the things that you have experienced. I think of Lance a lot and I am so glad I have his shirt. He’s right there. I know we haven’t talked for awhile, but I do wonder how things have gone for you and your blog feels good. You have put things into a great perspective with how you explain how you feel I can’t imagine what it is like to go through all of this. Maybe we can catch on things if you want to. And thanks again for pointing me to your blog.

    Craig

  18. Nancy,

    Thank you so much for resuming your posts on your blog. It may be time for you to write a book ~ you write like a bodhisattva with the skill of the phoenix.

    love to all of you, Cynthia Cunningham

  19. “I’m back. . .” warms my heart. I don’t feel like you ever left (me and my family) our radar. But YOU being back adds a very nice touch. Love it. Paolo

    • I LOVE YOU HUBBY! And I don’t know what I would have done without you and Tiph (wife #1) these past couple years. I love you both!

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