Anniversaries

I’ve been on a hiatus for several reasons…traveling and being with my kids but also feeling the need to unplug. However, I’M BACK (not as in everything is all hunky-dory but I am back to writing) and I have a lot to say in these upcoming months.

Yesterday marked two months since Lance passed. Anniversaries have taken on a whole new meaning. A little over a week ago would have been Lance and my 12th wedding anniversary. I thought we were going to make it to 50, yet we didn’t even make it to 12. That has been my saddest day to date.

I don’t know if I can comment on what grief is yet because I am not sure I even know…for a long time I was in fight or flight mode, then shock and disbelief (still in that phase sometimes) and when the emails and cards stopped coming…a feeling of loneliness, realizing that as time goes on for most, it stands still for me. It was a reminder that I am truly alone on this path, but even so I am continually surrounded by the love of my kids, friends and family and the watchful eyes and loving hearts of my community.

I often read this poem at night…when the day settles and the true loss of my man is felt. It gives me comfort and solace and reminds me that even though I may feel alone and Lance is not here physically, his spirit and soul will always remain.

Native American Prayer
I give you this one thought to keep –
I am with you still – I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning’s hush
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone –
I am with you still – in each new dawn.

Love,
Nancy

 

 

 

29 thoughts on “Anniversaries

  1. Nancy, just knowing that you want to share at this time is uplifting. Your positive spirit is a lesson. As you heal, we heal. Thank you! My unending love to you Zach and Amelie!!!

  2. We have been thinking of you and the kids a lot lately as we find ourselves also experiencing shock and disbelief. We love you lots and appreciate your words of strength. Miss you! xoxo

  3. This breaks my heart to think of you sad and lonely. The wedding photo is beautiful, and it made me remember the great story that Lance told me last fall about the wedding shirt. Only Lance would wear his bride’s ex-love’s shirt to his wedding. He said “it was great, it smelled like Gil, all smokey and French” 🙂

  4. WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! well this made me cry even more than before.. its so beautiful and yet so super sad.. and so TRUE… what it makes me feel is that all of this earth stuff… meaning work, schedules busy busy lives is NOTHING… compared to what really matters which is love love love and that is what remains.. the rest is manushia… pure and simple…
    you are such an inspration…your wedding picture is BEAUTIFUL…
    and you Nancy are amazing…thank you for sharing..
    xo

  5. Anniversaries of happy moments have always been my favorite way of remembering. For those who have passed from our lives we celebrate their birthday rather than the day they left us. Pictures like this of you and Lance are the memories we want to shine to keep the love and joy of knowing bright in our hearts. Thinking of you all with Love.

  6. Dear Leo friend,
    You forgot your birthday!!!
    I think of you almost every day, I’m in a attending silence.
    A big hug for your xx birthday.

    p.s.
    News very soon from me when my sun (or daughter) will arrive.

    • Hi Michele,
      I had a wonderful birthday with friends on the beach and a bomb fire in Santa Cruz CA. What about you my fellow Leo/Monkey??
      Look forward to hearing about your new baby. xo Nance

  7. Nancy there isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think of you. I hope you can feel the constant thoughts, love, concern, etc that is coming your way across the world from everyone that knew the two of you together. You are seriously strong and a very, very big inspiration in my life. I want you to turn your writing into a book – seriously. Everyone needs to experience the words you write. xo

  8. Hi Nancy

    This is a gorgeous photo – thank you for sharing it as well as your thoughts. So many of us are thinking of you. Thanks for reaching out to us to remind us to tell you that!

    Sincerely

    Becca

  9. Hi Nancy,
    I look forward to reading your posts always. I love the poem, I read that one at my Mom’s service, and still think of it in moments of awe of the beauty of the world, especially when driving home after a long day and the clounds and grand sky just blow me away, and I yell, loudy “hi Mom”. I think of you so much Nancy.
    Love,
    Sunny

  10. That picture of you and Lance took my breathe away- I’ll have to come back to read the post….oh my….
    Love,
    Gina

  11. Hi Nancy. That is a stunning picture of you and Lance; you look so incredibly happy. I think of you all the time and I still find myself expecting to see you or Lance walk by at the market or through the door of the cafe. I miss you both. I suspect others, like myself, have been trying to give you the space that you seemed to need to grieve. I also suspect that we are at the ready for when you need a larger community around you:) xoxox

  12. I know the cards and well-wishes may have stopped coming, but everyone is still thinking about you. That won’t change. Just know that you and Lance have made a huge impact on the community around you and it will be felt for a very long time to come.

  13. Welcome back, your voice was missed. I love this poem, and the glorious photo of you and your man on your wedding day. Please keep writing. We are here. xo

  14. We think of you alot. We miss what things were like when Lance was here. We were worried when we did not hear from you. The poem is beautiful, but the picture is fantastic! Was thinking about the kids starting school soon and hoping that goes ok. You and your wonderful husband are always in our thoughts.

  15. Hi Nance. I’m so glad you took some time for yourself and the kids.
    I remember your wedding day so well. Lance had a smile on his face from ear to ear the entire day. Remember how lucky you are to have been loved so completely.
    And remember that you will never be alone in your life. We are all one big family.

    Sending lots of love from hot and humid Brooklyn.

  16. Please know that I think of you daily Nancy. We were camping on the Salmon River the week of your birthday. You were all around me… in the expansive sky, the soft flow of river and the kind warm breeze at night. Loving you, my friend.

  17. Hi Nancy,

    I can scarcely comprehend the depth of love you have for Lance. It shows throughout all your writings. Now you are left with memories. Your children have his DNA, so in a way, he will live on through them.

    Love, Greg

  18. Nancy,
    I have been thinking of you so much lately. Beautiful photo of your love, keep it in your heart.
    My love to you and your little ones,
    Gina

  19. Well I didn’t think it possible, but you just upped the ante on gorgeous. Your wedding day picture jumps off the page. So much energy, which beautifully can still be found in the places mentioned in that lovely poem. Less familiar perhaps, but just as true.
    I am also glad you are writing again. I feel many of us were giving you space to greive, knowing you were in the arms of those closest to you. But it’s wonderful to hear your eloquent thoughts and connect again. Keep writing my gifted friend, for it’s a two-way blessing…xo…Tiffany

  20. Nance,

    I think about you and Lance tons and had a dream with both of you in it the night before reading your post.

    I loved your wedding day and the love you and Lance shared shining through so clearly. You had wonderful vows beautiful, funny-real.

    I spend time in disbelief too, not able to fully grasp Lance being physically not on the earth. And, I do feel Lance in spirit, this was especially true when I was walking Sanitas this summer as it was one of the last times I saw Lance. He was everywhere and I could see the two of you ambling down the trail with big smiles.

    Thanks for writing.

    xo

    Sherri

  21. Nancy,

    That is an incredible poem and a beautiful picuture. I never got the chance to meet Lance, but it’s clear to see in that photo – his true happiness just leaps off the page. Continued thoughts and prayers for you and your family.

    With love, Andy

  22. Hi Nancy,
    I’m glad you’re back at writing. What a beautiful poem, too. I’ve been
    thinking a lot about you (including dreaming of you!) and Lance and the
    kids. I’ve been reading all your posts several times (thank you, thank you
    for sharing), I thought of you on Lance’s bday, and I re-lived the wonderful
    time in Telluride and at your wedding. Do know that we still send our thoughts and love to you and that we miss Lance. I still have a hard time grasping that he’s no longer here and that his life ended so very too soon. I look forward to continue reading your inspirational posts.
    Anna

  23. My mother left this poem in her desk, I know for us to find. So I read it at her memorial, my siblings standing with me. I just know these words to be true and have experienced too much to ever doubt it. You are never alone, in so many ways.

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